I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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