he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
