Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
