Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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