Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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