just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
