you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
