Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
