im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
