I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
