My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
