wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
