I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
