some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
