your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
