remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
