I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
