Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
