I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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