fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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