i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize