Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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