no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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