drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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