I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
