My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
