You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize