Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Mom said you looked used
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We are all done wearing pants today
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
