There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize