I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Be still, my beating vagina.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
