i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize