wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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