I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
