Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
