i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
