So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
