I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
