my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
