yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
