I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As shirtless as possible
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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