ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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