I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize