2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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