I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize