tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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