life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
