i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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