I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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