I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
