I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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