I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
