You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
