I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
