just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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