I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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