Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize