if you like me you must not know who I am
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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