OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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