I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
