It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
