I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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